I feel like a total failure in romantic relationships. I fall head over heels even when I know that the person is wrong for me. My ever practical brain is screaming and shouting at me to smarten up and my heart just doesn't listen. I have not really had a true 'normal' relationship... rather a string (and really not that long of a string) of bad choices... choices I made knowing I was going to get my own heart broken.
One thing I have come to realize in my 30 years on this planet is that I have a VERY low tolerance for people who are ignorant and thrive on bullshit. I refuse to tolerate both of these things. I will remove myself from situations where I feel that these things are happening. Unless ofcourse I have allowed my heart to get involved... then well... its a different story.
I have been having a few rough months. You see I feel totally in love (or it could have been lust) with a very sweet guy. Who happens to work as a musician and travels around the world all the time. Ideal relationship material right? To be honest... it seemed nice and safe to me.. I had someone who wanted to talk to me, (and by 'talk' I mean texting and messaging with the occasional FaceTime) Told me I was beautiful and I had a chance to fufull my travel bug by going to visit him while he was working around the world... and of course in return he got my wonderful company...win-win right?
To be honest it was exactly what I needed last year when I met him. Next weekend it will be exactly a year since he entered my life. We met as I was travelling across Europe... I was with my amazingtravel friends... He and I hit it off- (briefly)... and over the next few months we talked daily. I ended up going on two fantastic vacations with him this year (I will elaborate in another post about these..) One in March and the other in June.... When I got back from my vacation in March the distance was a very hard thing for me to deal with, I was a mess- legit MESS. I had totally fallen head over heals for this man-- but I tried to convince myself otherwise...
The vacation in June was even better-- so much more natural. I left feeling like I had an amazing friend that I could see having in my life for a very long time. Infact not having him in my life in someway justdidn't make sense to me. It was funny when we said goodbye-- where I had been a mess in March, in June I was content I knew we had forged a friendship (in my mind a love of sorts) that we were good. He on the other hand seemed to have a hard time- he was distant, quiet (not like himnself at all) and even dare I say had a tear in his eye when we hugged goodbye?
And then things just went to hell. I think I started to realize that I was torturing myself holding onto the idea that he would someday show up at my door sweep me off my feet and we would live happily ever after... and I realized I was fooling myself... and it hurt. He tried to convince me that what we had would stand the test of time.. and that he wanted me in his life....... I continued to push him on the issue...
And then he just stopped talking to me. 100% stopped. Not a word. Not a text. Not an email. NOTHING... and it has been over 3 months and NOTHING..... Oh and he is still alive.. daily posts on facebook has proven that...
I have worked through a lot of this in the last few months-- realizing that it takes two to participate in a friendship or whatever you want to call what we had. That he obvioulsy has some issues, and in the end it just drives me crazy that I havent had ANY closure...
So thiis is what has been running through my mind today--- this morning instead of pulling my sheets over my head and sleeping untl 2pm ... I got my butt out of bed early and went to the gym... becasue I am not defined by how other people act... I cannot control this situation. I could message him every minute of every day and he still holds the power of the reply button. I just wish I haden't become so attached so someone who could so easily discard me... because it hurts.
So today I say I am a strong independant women who chooses to make positive chances in my life. And this reminds me that no one should be treated like this, so that they feel they have been discarded-
-A
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