Thursday's Ramblings...

Tried to get up early today... it is just so hard this time of year. Who am I kidding I am really not a morning person.   It gets even harder here in the fall when the day light hours decrease so much.  I am fully await that I have suffered from SAD (Seasonal Affect Disorder) in the past.  This year I am trying very hard to head that off by getting into a routine of physical activity, eating good nutritious food and making myself get up in the morning and being productive.

I had a very fun day with my nephew and Mom yesterday.  My Nephew is just over 2 years old and is a total sweet heart.  I truly do love spending time with him.  But every once and awhile after our visit my heart aches for the things I thought I would have at this point in my life.  I am 30 years old, single and childless.   At these moments I need to remember all the great things I DO have in my life, a great job, a home that I own, the freedom to travel and the means, I have friends that I know I can count on and love me very much.   Everyone just keeps telling me to keep my chin up and when it is meant to happen it will... I am sceptical... but what other choice do I have. At this point in my life being a single mother by choice is not a viable option. (to be honest I am not 100% convinced that is what I would want anyway)

Man my hair looks horrible... :-( just got it cut and it is NOT co-operating with me!!

I have to confess I am a little envious of my friends heading on a 3 week vacation.  They are the couple I usually travel with all the time.... they are heading on the same trip as last year.  In the big picture I know it is best that I am not heading off with them. I wasnt able to get time off from work (#1) financially it wasnt the best choice (#2) and my former "friend/lover/whoknows" musician certainly be encountered during this vacation.... better not to cross that bridge again.... 

As for my physical transformation (since that was the original purpose of thise blog) I have been struggling with a few things recently-  I had reached my lowest weigth when I got back from vacation in Bermuda (yes with the musician)  I guess thats what being happy in a relationship does to me - my lowest weight was 233lbs....  I am currenlty 245lbs .... guess that what a few months of doing nothing and emotinal eating (or not-eating anything in some cases) will do..... My body is feeling horrible these days, a lot of inflammation and aches and pains... much like when I was 270+lbs..... I know what I need to do and this last week I have really gotten back on track.  I just need to keep that momentum going.  

Until Next TIme

-A

Why must my heart not listen to my brain?

I guess I need to explain a little.... 

I feel like a total failure in romantic relationships.  I fall head over heels even when I know that the person is wrong for me.  My ever practical brain is screaming and shouting at me to smarten up and my heart just doesn't listen.   I have not really had a true 'normal' relationship... rather a string (and really not that long of a string) of bad choices... choices I made knowing I was going to get my own heart broken.      

One thing I have come to realize in my 30 years on this planet is that I have a VERY low tolerance for people who are ignorant and thrive on bullshit. I refuse to tolerate both of these things.  I will remove myself from situations where I feel that these things are happening. Unless ofcourse I have allowed my heart to get involved... then well... its a different story.

I have been having a few rough months. You see I feel totally in love (or it could have been lust) with a very sweet guy.  Who happens to work as a musician and travels around the world all the time. Ideal relationship material right?  To be honest... it seemed nice and safe to me.. I had someone who wanted to talk to me, (and by 'talk' I mean texting and messaging with the occasional FaceTime) Told me I was beautiful and I had a chance to fufull my travel bug by going to visit him while he was working around the world... and of course in return he got my wonderful company...win-win right?

To be honest it was exactly what I needed last year when I met him.  Next weekend it will be exactly a year since he entered my life.  We met as I was travelling across Europe... I was with my amazingtravel  friends... He and I hit it off- (briefly)... and over the next few months we talked daily.   I ended up going on two fantastic vacations with him this year (I will elaborate in another post about these..)  One in March and the other in June....  When I got back from my vacation in March the distance was a very hard thing for me to deal with, I was a mess- legit MESS.   I had totally fallen head over heals for this man-- but I tried to convince myself otherwise... 

The vacation in June was even better-- so much more natural.  I left feeling like I had an amazing friend that I could see having in my life for a very long time. Infact not having him in my life in someway justdidn't  make sense to me.  It was funny when we said goodbye-- where I had been a mess in March, in June I was content I knew we had forged a friendship (in my mind a love of sorts) that we were good. He on the other hand seemed to have a hard time- he was distant, quiet (not like himnself at all) and even dare I say had a tear in his eye when we hugged goodbye?  

And then things just went to hell.  I think I started to realize that I was torturing myself holding onto the idea that he would someday show up at my door sweep me off my feet and we would live happily ever after... and I realized I was fooling myself... and it hurt.   He tried to convince me that what we had would stand the test of time.. and that he wanted me in his life....... I continued to push him on the issue... 

And then he just stopped talking to me.  100% stopped. Not a word. Not a text. Not an email. NOTHING... and it has been over 3 months and NOTHING..... Oh and he is  still alive.. daily posts on facebook has proven that...   

I have worked through a lot of this in the last few months-- realizing that it takes two to participate in a friendship or whatever you want to call what we had.  That he obvioulsy has some issues, and in the end it just drives me crazy that I havent had ANY closure...   

So thiis is what has been running through my mind today--- this morning instead of pulling my sheets over my head and sleeping untl 2pm ... I got my butt out of bed early and went to the gym... becasue I am not defined by how other people act... I cannot control this situation. I could message him every minute of every day and he still holds the power of the reply button.  I just wish I haden't become so attached so someone who could so easily discard me... because it hurts. 

So today I say I am a strong independant women who chooses to make positive chances in my life. And this reminds me that no one should be treated like this, so that they feel they have been discarded- 

-A

Sunday

How interesting it is to see were I was in August of last year--- so many things have happend in my life since August 2013--- I am not going to attempt to recount them all in this one post!!

I had started this blog to keep track of my weight loss journey, I intend to continue to explore my journey to be come more healthy.   I am basically at the same point weight wise having a little bit of a set back the last few months getting over the demise of a long distance relationship that I had been involved in.   It ended with me having a very sad and rocky few months through the summer.

Amazing how we can destroy ourself and blame ourselves for things we dont have control over.  I am now starting to feel more myself-- getting my head back on straight.  I have also been starting to refocus on my health and fitness...

I am working this weekend, being on-call can be alittle rocky... however it has been a good weekend so far.. got a workout in yesterday and will be heading into the gym after I finish this post....

Here is a pic. from yesterdays gym session!!

A Couple Days off..

Summer seems to have come back with a vengeance- hot humid and sunny-  Love this weather but the humidity sure does make my body hurt--  ever since my accident three years ago.  

I have been having some very odd eating patterns the last couple of weeks-  trying i get play prep done so that this weekend when I work I can stay ontrack.  Missed my Kettlebell class on Tuesday-  but managed todo a couple tabattas at home  yesterday-  tonight I will definitely make it to my Class-- even though my motivation is lacking!  

Weighed myself today-  no movement (up or down) for the last month-  the good and the bad I guess?? 

Will be taking pictures of my meals and posting them starting tomorrow-- 

A pic of my new  hair-do!! 

Till next time!! 

LOONG TIME....

Hello Blog world-- amazing how time flies--

I have been busy the last while and obviously have let my blog slip... as I think most people do!  Lately I have been setting more goals for myself and have been struggling to find a place that I could have a fairly public place to post my progress to keep me honest... and I remembered my lovely blog!

The last post I wrote was the week after I had lapband surgery--  that was in October of last year.  Its funny - I have been happy with my progress-- and then I look back to this blog and look at the numbers-- and well its not all that impressive-- I will post the numbers but first I want to give you a break down of the year!

I really dont want people to think that I am just 'another lap band failure' because I am not-- my numbers have been going DOWN-- slowly I admit but they are descending and not ascending like they had been prior to my surgery.  I am greatful to constantly have a reminder that I must eat to live not live to eat.  I started kettle bell training (Russian hardstyle) In March of this year and have been doing that training twice a week since-- and have had some great improvements in my back health as well as overall body.  I had been (up until about a month ago) eating a Paleo/Primal lifestyle diet-- not bread no grains etc etc-- I still am pulling knowledge from this way of life but I find that when I am training (kettlebells) and running I need more carbs to recover and not feel sluggish-- So I am trying to find a new balance!

This May I also ran my first 5km race-- the slowest 5km EVER-- however it was a trail run and I had only been training on the road-- and apparently a trail run can add 10 minutes or so to you time!!  Anyway, it gives me room to improve.

So lets get to the numbers

My Stats---
Age: 28
Height: 5'7"
Weight as of August 14, 2012----> 270lbs  

Current Stats
Age 29
Height: 5'7"
Weight as of August 23, 2013 ---> 239lbs

So that means I have lost .... 31 lbs in just over a year-- I am NOT going to let these numbers get me down-- it means I have lost 0.6lbs a week for the last year-- better than gaining that much- I have also gained muscle in that time and have lost several pant sized-- my energy is amazing and I do NOT regret my decision to get a lap-band at all!

That being said I want to continue to improve my health and feel stronger (and hopefully go down a few clothing sized as well!)

SO beware-- I plan on using this blog to track my activity and what I eat-- :o)

Day 5 Post Op: Out for dinner with friends...

All day today I was changing my mind about going out with friends-- yes-- no--yes-no...

I had a rough night last night -- -gas pains-- - and I just wasn't sure I wanted to have to worry about going out for dinner and what to eat at said dinner.  I am 5 days Post op- so I am still in the  Full-Fluid stage of my post op diet.... 

Finally a half an hour before we were planning on going I set my mind to it-- I got this band so that I can change my lifestyle and change my outlook, change it so that my weight is not something that keeps me from being social and doing things I enjoy. The last thing I want is to start using my band as the excuse not to so things!  So instead of not going-   I had half a yogurt drink before I left-- and took one to go- just in case---  

We had planned on going to the pumpkin patch and corn maze-- but we got rained out- instead we went to Boston Pizza for dinner---  I ended up ordering the soup, chicken noodle (boo) and a smoothie-- and it was just fine!    No one made a fuss-- no one cared that all I ate was soup and a smoothie (and half of both I must note)  Man I would have loved to have a bite of the garlic bread-- but I dared not to!!  

It was so great getting out to socialize with friends-- it was just what I needed!  

My port incision is aching a bit- first time I have worn jeans since my surgery- Ouch!!  But it was worth it!

Anyway- feeling better tonight-- the walking I did today I am sure will help keep the gas monsters away tonight!! (fingers crossed!)


Hope everyone out there had a great Wednesday--   :o)

Till next time!

Happy Thanksgiving Sunday!

Happy Thanksgiving To everyone in Canada!

It is a beautiful sunny fall day here- I am on my third day post-op and (knock on wood) I am feeling pretty good.  Last night I was bothered by a bit of gas pain, but some Gas X and my wonderful heating pad took care of that!    

I am hanging out at my parents place at the moment- until tomorrow morning ( I haven't been feeling up to driving yet) and I am spacing my pain meds out a little too- I was taking them every 4 hours but I am down to about every 5 and a half and I am feeling better (less groggy!)  

No turkey dinner here for me-- not that I would even want to eat it if I could- don't feel hungry at all , but I am forcing myself to drink my water and my thin yogurt and protein shakes-- might try some carrot soup for dinner...

I had a few moments last night and this morning when I though- what have I done to myself?!  But now that I am not taking as much pain meds I am feeling a lot more myself!

I keep finding myself thinking I go back to work on Tuesday-- but I have taken a week off and don't go back until the October 15th-   Feels so weird not heading back to work-- that tells you that I needed a vacation!! (not that this is really a vacation!! haha!)

I keep finding myself looking at clothing websites and dreaming of all the normal size clothing I will be able to fit into!  :o)

Well I am off to sip some more water-- and some soup too.

Day 1 post op

Everything went great yesterday! loved my team at the SWLC! They all put me at ease from the moment I stepped in the door!

I arrives at 745 and was on my way back to the hotel by 1130 ish-- not bad!!

Pain isnt too bad- have a little gas pain this morning-- but nothing too out of control- thank goodness for pain pills!

Just need to get packing!
Thought I would share with you my hotel room with a view!!

Today is the day!

Today is the day I get banded- In an hour I will be dropped off at the clinic!! Still feeling confident- just hope I dont have a melt down once I get there (nervous about the anesthetic!)

:-)

Great Doctor's Appointment!

Wow-- what a great appointment I had today!!


I need to back up a little and explain.  

Two years ago after moving back to my home town I had an accident (horseback riding) that resulted in me breaking my back.   

At that time I did not have a family physician in the area (I had one 4 hours away- however, with the distance it was quite useless!)    My Mom (a former nurse and the local hospital's administrators) called in  a favour to my former Family Doctor- to see if she would take me onto her roster...  

as in most placed in Ontario - there is a major shortage of Family physician in this area-- and all of the doctors in this area are not taking new patients--  thank goodness my Mom asked her as they had never formally removed me from their patient list (BIG bonus) so they said they would be happy to take me on!

Up until my back injury - I had basically had no other health issues-- so my yearly visit was all that I ever saw my family Doc.  

I have felt awkward talking to my Doctor - we will call her Dr.D.   as I work in the hospital with her and I am a firm believer that keeping a professional relationship is important.  But it is hard to do that when you work in a small hospital and Doctors eat with the rest of the staff in the lunch room!  Now don't get me wrong Dr.D has always been the image of professionalism-- but I just never felt really buddy buddy with her!    

Last March I expressed to her about my concerns about my rising weight and my achy feet and bones that related exactly to my weight issues.   She wanted me to focus on eating healthy and not necessarily losing weight--  yah--  cuz that was working for me so far... And that is when I started asking my friend K about her lap band again-- and I got the ball rolling-- it took me until July to get the courage up to actually go see the surgeon and see if it was a good options for me.


ANNNYWAY--- since July when I decided it was the path I needed to take I had been nervous about seeing my family doc- as she didn't know anything about my decision.   When I made my appointment to see her for my pre-op form to be filled out I was so worried about telling her about my decision!  My appointment  kept getting cancelled and moved-- which made me start being paranoid that she didn't approve of the whole procedure! (Crazy how the mind works) 

So- today-- two days before my surgery date (Thank GOODNESS my surgeons office is SO understanding)  I got in for my physical to have my form filled out-- and Dr D was AMAZING!  She did ask me some in depth questions- to ensure that I was fully informed about the whole process-- she said she would be happy to do my 2 week post op check up-- AND she even said she would be open to learning more about the fill process if I wanted her to --- I was in shock!  I walked away feeling on cloud nine--  I am even more confident in my decision!   I wish I hadn't over thought it so much!!  

At the moment...

I am packing all my must have things into my travel bag for tomorrow, my Mom and I will be heading down to the city tomorrow after work (we are staying in a hotel two nights)  I will have a chat with my patient co-ordinator tomorrow to make sure everything is in order and to be told my surgery time (I am really hoping for first thing Friday Morning)    I am also packing some extra supplies in case I stay at my parents house when we get back on Saturday (it will all depend on how I feel)

Got a cute set of new PJs today (don't worry- they were on super sale-- as they wont fit for much longer --tee-hee!!)  that I will wear on my surgery day-- I am so excited-- can you tell?! :o)


I better get packing an clean up this pig pen of a house!  I want to come home to a clean house !

TTYL!

Dr office

just sittin here in the doca office waiting.. glad to be actually here. - i had a hard time getting in here for an appointment for my pre-op form to be filled-- so dont get me wrong- I am
very glad to be here-- i just want to hurry up and get that form filled and faxed so that I will have ThAT weight lifted off my shoulders!!!

Pretty excited that friday is the day!! a little emotional- but its a happy emotional-- and i guess a little nervous energy too!

... still waiting ...

Things to look forward to!

I am still reading all kinds of forums and blogs about everyone's banding experiences 

and I think it is a important thing to make some lists... before, so that you can look back in those

moments of doubt and refocus! This is my things to look forward to as I start on my journey to my healthy weight ...

1. to feel healthy again

2. to make moving easier- how I love to hike, but it is so much harder with the extra weight

3. being lighter and fitter so that I can get on my horse without a mounting block

4. be fit enough so that I am confident that I could do an 'emergency dismount' if needed  

    from my horse

5. feeling confident in social settings- being less self conscious of my weight

6. travel- there are so many places I want to go, but my weight is holding me back

7. being able to go to an amusement park and not worry about the harness not fitting

8. getting out there and meeting new people-- maybe even dating  (oh my!)

9. high heels

10. being able to dance the night away-- 

I am sure there are lots more I could think of-- but 10 is good for now! ! :o)

The count down is on-- 4 days!!

Wowza!  Can't believe it!!  Four days- and I will be a bandster!!   YEAH!

I have been a little stressed--  still need to get into my family doc's office to get my pre-op form filled out- I was supposed to have it done three weeks ago but the office cancelled my appointment twice--  if they cancel again I may loss it on them!  (and that wouldnt be pretty!!)

Getting sick of sweet shakes-- and have no desire to eat green veggies anymore - tho I am making myself eat some--


Thats it for now- off to enjoy the nice fall day before heading into work!

(From last Friday) One week to go!

What an ... interesting week I have had!   This pre-op diet thing isn't too bad--  I am allowed 3 high protein shakes and up to 250 calories of low glycemic vegetables--  cucumber, lettuce. cauliflower. broccolie etc...     I have had to compromise a couple of time-- I had a business lunch meeting on Monday and it would have been pretty awkward to just sit there sipping my shake-- so I basically ordered a spinach salad with only the spinach and mushrooms-- and dressing on the side which I only dunked my fork in a couple of times--- not bad I figure-- and then on my way home I drank my shake ('yum')

At work I have been subject to a few questionings-- I just answer its a protein shake that I am drinking and that I am on a "limited ingredient diet".   Being in the health field most people figure that I am doing an elimination diet to determine what allergens I am sensitive to-- they can assume whatever they want.  

Last night was the only time I really felt like I was being put under the spot light with 20 questions--

   I had just come into work for the evening shift and there was a really nice fruit basket on the counter-- a thank you to the department.  A nice healthy thank you pressy-- not the norm around here-- and of course-- I'm not allowed fruit.  

  I had a couple grapes (I admit..) and then I guess I said something like "I shouldn't be eating these"-- and that is when the 20 questions began...  Why can't you have fruit?  Are you on a diet?  Are you trying to lose weight or what? All coming from a colleague and close friend of mine "N"

  It just struck me off guard- what I decide to put or not put in my mouth is my business-- 

  I know that from past experiences what her opinion about weight loss is- she is a truly strong person who when she sets her mind to something she does it-- boarder line obsessive.   We are both on our staff Wellness committee and one of our staff members had Gastric Bypass earlier this year- and we were sending her a get well card - at this meeting another member mentioned that she had been thinking about WLS-- and my co worker "N" made a pretty harsh comment about it being the lazy way out and basically shot it down.   

 It is a funny thing because I know that "N" has a cousin who as done really well with the band- but I guess it is just the "easy" way out in her mind!

AND this is precisely why I am not telling anyone right now about my band-- I have my parents and by friend "K" behind me,  and that will have to do for now!    Its a hard place to be in-- I am so excited I want to shout it from the roof-- and then I am also a little scared (just about the actual operation part!) 

It is a beautiful fall day here in Northish Ontario- the fall colors are beautiful!  I love where I live!  Out for a day of yard work and bulb planting!!

Till next time

WIndy Sunday

Half way through Day three of the pre-op diet-- not really hungry- as long as I don't think about it too much....  

I am sitting here drinking my black coffee-- which surprisingly is not as bad as I had figured it would be (I am normally a 2 milk 1 sugar kinda girl)  Weighed myself this morning and I haven't lost any weight--  I don't think I will weigh myself until right before my surgery so I don't get discouraged! (and it has only been 3 days-- I know I know!)

It is a beautiful fall day here-  sunny bright-- but also windy and freezing!  I could do without the wind-- it puts me in a predicament-- I would love to go and work with my horse-- but I get so nervous in the wind-- it usually isn't good for either of us!   And a hike would be amazing with the dog-- but I am also a little leery about hiking with high wind-- falling branches and all--  and then there is the grass to cut-- but the lawn mower was acting up the last time I used it!    And these are legit reasons- not excuses I swear-- SO I will keep my fingers crossed that the wind dies down in the afternoon, and I will check the mower to see if it is running.

Well its about time I drink some more water and then onto another shake-- 'yeah' ....

till next time.....

Day 2 Pre-Op Diet

Day 2

Pre-op Diet

I am no longer excited about starting Pre-op Diet

I will not cheat----  

Only 12 more days to go....


That is all.....

Today had the potential to be 'one of those days'

I had to laugh when I got to work and was changing into my work shoes- it was then that i realized that Ihad two different socks on ... My first thought was - oh no- its going to be one of 'those days'. Then it kinda made me laugh and I had to take a pictures!!

Nope I choose to not allow it to be one of 'those' days!!

Its amazing the power that you can have within your life when you take charge and make your own decisions instead of letting outside factors determine how you live!

I choose to have a good day- instead of 'one of those days'.

I choose to make today the day I wore two different socks and it made me laugh and smile all day!!

I will be back later this evening to post my pre-pre-op weight and measurements -- and (gasp!!). maybe some before pics ... then again maybe not--- I will have to wait and see about that one!!

One day till pre-op diet!

WHoo-hoo!  

Is it odd that I am looking forward to starting my pre-op diet?   I cleaned out my fridge of all the left over stuff that I wont be eating for the next two weeks (pre-op) as well as the following two weeks (liquids-then mushies etc)  Its nice to get the fridge cleaned out- it has been needing some attention for awhile!  I plan on giving it a good scrub tomorrow!


I have had three days of mind numbing union negotiations ( I wont say anymore about that--  just glad to have it over for a couple of weeks)  

Got out to see the horse on Tuesday- Man I missed her! I hadn't been out to the barn in over a week-- I saddled her up- did some ground work- and then totally chickened out about riding her-- man I really hope as I get more fit it will help me get over this fear of riding--  at this point it isn't really fear of riding my horse- its more that I know I wont be physically able to do an emergency dismount if needed-- and getting WAAY up on her back isn't all that easy either!!  

Man I love Autumn!   The best time of the year in my book-- followed closely by winter!   I have been getting out to go hiking with the pup-- I love watching the colors change!!  

A short post today- not sure what else to say today---  


till next time!!

Great Concert!

What an amazing night last night! The Crue and KISS! What an amazing show!! And the new Do definitely made me feel pretty rocker chick!! Suffering from slight dehydration and back ache from last night- but it was soo worth it!!

On to some shopping with my bestie!! r

The new 'Do'

I am happy with my hair!! yeah!!

Not so happy about having to buy size 20 jeans- and a 2x top. :-(. oh well -- i will chalk it up to the style- and be happy that i feel hot in them!!

Motley Crue (and KISS). at 7 tonight!! yeah!!