Thursday's Ramblings...

Tried to get up early today... it is just so hard this time of year. Who am I kidding I am really not a morning person.   It gets even harder here in the fall when the day light hours decrease so much.  I am fully await that I have suffered from SAD (Seasonal Affect Disorder) in the past.  This year I am trying very hard to head that off by getting into a routine of physical activity, eating good nutritious food and making myself get up in the morning and being productive.

I had a very fun day with my nephew and Mom yesterday.  My Nephew is just over 2 years old and is a total sweet heart.  I truly do love spending time with him.  But every once and awhile after our visit my heart aches for the things I thought I would have at this point in my life.  I am 30 years old, single and childless.   At these moments I need to remember all the great things I DO have in my life, a great job, a home that I own, the freedom to travel and the means, I have friends that I know I can count on and love me very much.   Everyone just keeps telling me to keep my chin up and when it is meant to happen it will... I am sceptical... but what other choice do I have. At this point in my life being a single mother by choice is not a viable option. (to be honest I am not 100% convinced that is what I would want anyway)

Man my hair looks horrible... :-( just got it cut and it is NOT co-operating with me!!

I have to confess I am a little envious of my friends heading on a 3 week vacation.  They are the couple I usually travel with all the time.... they are heading on the same trip as last year.  In the big picture I know it is best that I am not heading off with them. I wasnt able to get time off from work (#1) financially it wasnt the best choice (#2) and my former "friend/lover/whoknows" musician certainly be encountered during this vacation.... better not to cross that bridge again.... 

As for my physical transformation (since that was the original purpose of thise blog) I have been struggling with a few things recently-  I had reached my lowest weigth when I got back from vacation in Bermuda (yes with the musician)  I guess thats what being happy in a relationship does to me - my lowest weight was 233lbs....  I am currenlty 245lbs .... guess that what a few months of doing nothing and emotinal eating (or not-eating anything in some cases) will do..... My body is feeling horrible these days, a lot of inflammation and aches and pains... much like when I was 270+lbs..... I know what I need to do and this last week I have really gotten back on track.  I just need to keep that momentum going.  

Until Next TIme

-A

Why must my heart not listen to my brain?

I guess I need to explain a little.... 

I feel like a total failure in romantic relationships.  I fall head over heels even when I know that the person is wrong for me.  My ever practical brain is screaming and shouting at me to smarten up and my heart just doesn't listen.   I have not really had a true 'normal' relationship... rather a string (and really not that long of a string) of bad choices... choices I made knowing I was going to get my own heart broken.      

One thing I have come to realize in my 30 years on this planet is that I have a VERY low tolerance for people who are ignorant and thrive on bullshit. I refuse to tolerate both of these things.  I will remove myself from situations where I feel that these things are happening. Unless ofcourse I have allowed my heart to get involved... then well... its a different story.

I have been having a few rough months. You see I feel totally in love (or it could have been lust) with a very sweet guy.  Who happens to work as a musician and travels around the world all the time. Ideal relationship material right?  To be honest... it seemed nice and safe to me.. I had someone who wanted to talk to me, (and by 'talk' I mean texting and messaging with the occasional FaceTime) Told me I was beautiful and I had a chance to fufull my travel bug by going to visit him while he was working around the world... and of course in return he got my wonderful company...win-win right?

To be honest it was exactly what I needed last year when I met him.  Next weekend it will be exactly a year since he entered my life.  We met as I was travelling across Europe... I was with my amazingtravel  friends... He and I hit it off- (briefly)... and over the next few months we talked daily.   I ended up going on two fantastic vacations with him this year (I will elaborate in another post about these..)  One in March and the other in June....  When I got back from my vacation in March the distance was a very hard thing for me to deal with, I was a mess- legit MESS.   I had totally fallen head over heals for this man-- but I tried to convince myself otherwise... 

The vacation in June was even better-- so much more natural.  I left feeling like I had an amazing friend that I could see having in my life for a very long time. Infact not having him in my life in someway justdidn't  make sense to me.  It was funny when we said goodbye-- where I had been a mess in March, in June I was content I knew we had forged a friendship (in my mind a love of sorts) that we were good. He on the other hand seemed to have a hard time- he was distant, quiet (not like himnself at all) and even dare I say had a tear in his eye when we hugged goodbye?  

And then things just went to hell.  I think I started to realize that I was torturing myself holding onto the idea that he would someday show up at my door sweep me off my feet and we would live happily ever after... and I realized I was fooling myself... and it hurt.   He tried to convince me that what we had would stand the test of time.. and that he wanted me in his life....... I continued to push him on the issue... 

And then he just stopped talking to me.  100% stopped. Not a word. Not a text. Not an email. NOTHING... and it has been over 3 months and NOTHING..... Oh and he is  still alive.. daily posts on facebook has proven that...   

I have worked through a lot of this in the last few months-- realizing that it takes two to participate in a friendship or whatever you want to call what we had.  That he obvioulsy has some issues, and in the end it just drives me crazy that I havent had ANY closure...   

So thiis is what has been running through my mind today--- this morning instead of pulling my sheets over my head and sleeping untl 2pm ... I got my butt out of bed early and went to the gym... becasue I am not defined by how other people act... I cannot control this situation. I could message him every minute of every day and he still holds the power of the reply button.  I just wish I haden't become so attached so someone who could so easily discard me... because it hurts. 

So today I say I am a strong independant women who chooses to make positive chances in my life. And this reminds me that no one should be treated like this, so that they feel they have been discarded- 

-A

Sunday

How interesting it is to see were I was in August of last year--- so many things have happend in my life since August 2013--- I am not going to attempt to recount them all in this one post!!

I had started this blog to keep track of my weight loss journey, I intend to continue to explore my journey to be come more healthy.   I am basically at the same point weight wise having a little bit of a set back the last few months getting over the demise of a long distance relationship that I had been involved in.   It ended with me having a very sad and rocky few months through the summer.

Amazing how we can destroy ourself and blame ourselves for things we dont have control over.  I am now starting to feel more myself-- getting my head back on straight.  I have also been starting to refocus on my health and fitness...

I am working this weekend, being on-call can be alittle rocky... however it has been a good weekend so far.. got a workout in yesterday and will be heading into the gym after I finish this post....

Here is a pic. from yesterdays gym session!!