Thursday's Ramblings...

Tried to get up early today... it is just so hard this time of year. Who am I kidding I am really not a morning person.   It gets even harder here in the fall when the day light hours decrease so much.  I am fully await that I have suffered from SAD (Seasonal Affect Disorder) in the past.  This year I am trying very hard to head that off by getting into a routine of physical activity, eating good nutritious food and making myself get up in the morning and being productive.

I had a very fun day with my nephew and Mom yesterday.  My Nephew is just over 2 years old and is a total sweet heart.  I truly do love spending time with him.  But every once and awhile after our visit my heart aches for the things I thought I would have at this point in my life.  I am 30 years old, single and childless.   At these moments I need to remember all the great things I DO have in my life, a great job, a home that I own, the freedom to travel and the means, I have friends that I know I can count on and love me very much.   Everyone just keeps telling me to keep my chin up and when it is meant to happen it will... I am sceptical... but what other choice do I have. At this point in my life being a single mother by choice is not a viable option. (to be honest I am not 100% convinced that is what I would want anyway)

Man my hair looks horrible... :-( just got it cut and it is NOT co-operating with me!!

I have to confess I am a little envious of my friends heading on a 3 week vacation.  They are the couple I usually travel with all the time.... they are heading on the same trip as last year.  In the big picture I know it is best that I am not heading off with them. I wasnt able to get time off from work (#1) financially it wasnt the best choice (#2) and my former "friend/lover/whoknows" musician certainly be encountered during this vacation.... better not to cross that bridge again.... 

As for my physical transformation (since that was the original purpose of thise blog) I have been struggling with a few things recently-  I had reached my lowest weigth when I got back from vacation in Bermuda (yes with the musician)  I guess thats what being happy in a relationship does to me - my lowest weight was 233lbs....  I am currenlty 245lbs .... guess that what a few months of doing nothing and emotinal eating (or not-eating anything in some cases) will do..... My body is feeling horrible these days, a lot of inflammation and aches and pains... much like when I was 270+lbs..... I know what I need to do and this last week I have really gotten back on track.  I just need to keep that momentum going.  

Until Next TIme

-A

Why must my heart not listen to my brain?

I guess I need to explain a little.... 

I feel like a total failure in romantic relationships.  I fall head over heels even when I know that the person is wrong for me.  My ever practical brain is screaming and shouting at me to smarten up and my heart just doesn't listen.   I have not really had a true 'normal' relationship... rather a string (and really not that long of a string) of bad choices... choices I made knowing I was going to get my own heart broken.      

One thing I have come to realize in my 30 years on this planet is that I have a VERY low tolerance for people who are ignorant and thrive on bullshit. I refuse to tolerate both of these things.  I will remove myself from situations where I feel that these things are happening. Unless ofcourse I have allowed my heart to get involved... then well... its a different story.

I have been having a few rough months. You see I feel totally in love (or it could have been lust) with a very sweet guy.  Who happens to work as a musician and travels around the world all the time. Ideal relationship material right?  To be honest... it seemed nice and safe to me.. I had someone who wanted to talk to me, (and by 'talk' I mean texting and messaging with the occasional FaceTime) Told me I was beautiful and I had a chance to fufull my travel bug by going to visit him while he was working around the world... and of course in return he got my wonderful company...win-win right?

To be honest it was exactly what I needed last year when I met him.  Next weekend it will be exactly a year since he entered my life.  We met as I was travelling across Europe... I was with my amazingtravel  friends... He and I hit it off- (briefly)... and over the next few months we talked daily.   I ended up going on two fantastic vacations with him this year (I will elaborate in another post about these..)  One in March and the other in June....  When I got back from my vacation in March the distance was a very hard thing for me to deal with, I was a mess- legit MESS.   I had totally fallen head over heals for this man-- but I tried to convince myself otherwise... 

The vacation in June was even better-- so much more natural.  I left feeling like I had an amazing friend that I could see having in my life for a very long time. Infact not having him in my life in someway justdidn't  make sense to me.  It was funny when we said goodbye-- where I had been a mess in March, in June I was content I knew we had forged a friendship (in my mind a love of sorts) that we were good. He on the other hand seemed to have a hard time- he was distant, quiet (not like himnself at all) and even dare I say had a tear in his eye when we hugged goodbye?  

And then things just went to hell.  I think I started to realize that I was torturing myself holding onto the idea that he would someday show up at my door sweep me off my feet and we would live happily ever after... and I realized I was fooling myself... and it hurt.   He tried to convince me that what we had would stand the test of time.. and that he wanted me in his life....... I continued to push him on the issue... 

And then he just stopped talking to me.  100% stopped. Not a word. Not a text. Not an email. NOTHING... and it has been over 3 months and NOTHING..... Oh and he is  still alive.. daily posts on facebook has proven that...   

I have worked through a lot of this in the last few months-- realizing that it takes two to participate in a friendship or whatever you want to call what we had.  That he obvioulsy has some issues, and in the end it just drives me crazy that I havent had ANY closure...   

So thiis is what has been running through my mind today--- this morning instead of pulling my sheets over my head and sleeping untl 2pm ... I got my butt out of bed early and went to the gym... becasue I am not defined by how other people act... I cannot control this situation. I could message him every minute of every day and he still holds the power of the reply button.  I just wish I haden't become so attached so someone who could so easily discard me... because it hurts. 

So today I say I am a strong independant women who chooses to make positive chances in my life. And this reminds me that no one should be treated like this, so that they feel they have been discarded- 

-A

Sunday

How interesting it is to see were I was in August of last year--- so many things have happend in my life since August 2013--- I am not going to attempt to recount them all in this one post!!

I had started this blog to keep track of my weight loss journey, I intend to continue to explore my journey to be come more healthy.   I am basically at the same point weight wise having a little bit of a set back the last few months getting over the demise of a long distance relationship that I had been involved in.   It ended with me having a very sad and rocky few months through the summer.

Amazing how we can destroy ourself and blame ourselves for things we dont have control over.  I am now starting to feel more myself-- getting my head back on straight.  I have also been starting to refocus on my health and fitness...

I am working this weekend, being on-call can be alittle rocky... however it has been a good weekend so far.. got a workout in yesterday and will be heading into the gym after I finish this post....

Here is a pic. from yesterdays gym session!!

A Couple Days off..

Summer seems to have come back with a vengeance- hot humid and sunny-  Love this weather but the humidity sure does make my body hurt--  ever since my accident three years ago.  

I have been having some very odd eating patterns the last couple of weeks-  trying i get play prep done so that this weekend when I work I can stay ontrack.  Missed my Kettlebell class on Tuesday-  but managed todo a couple tabattas at home  yesterday-  tonight I will definitely make it to my Class-- even though my motivation is lacking!  

Weighed myself today-  no movement (up or down) for the last month-  the good and the bad I guess?? 

Will be taking pictures of my meals and posting them starting tomorrow-- 

A pic of my new  hair-do!! 

Till next time!! 

LOONG TIME....

Hello Blog world-- amazing how time flies--

I have been busy the last while and obviously have let my blog slip... as I think most people do!  Lately I have been setting more goals for myself and have been struggling to find a place that I could have a fairly public place to post my progress to keep me honest... and I remembered my lovely blog!

The last post I wrote was the week after I had lapband surgery--  that was in October of last year.  Its funny - I have been happy with my progress-- and then I look back to this blog and look at the numbers-- and well its not all that impressive-- I will post the numbers but first I want to give you a break down of the year!

I really dont want people to think that I am just 'another lap band failure' because I am not-- my numbers have been going DOWN-- slowly I admit but they are descending and not ascending like they had been prior to my surgery.  I am greatful to constantly have a reminder that I must eat to live not live to eat.  I started kettle bell training (Russian hardstyle) In March of this year and have been doing that training twice a week since-- and have had some great improvements in my back health as well as overall body.  I had been (up until about a month ago) eating a Paleo/Primal lifestyle diet-- not bread no grains etc etc-- I still am pulling knowledge from this way of life but I find that when I am training (kettlebells) and running I need more carbs to recover and not feel sluggish-- So I am trying to find a new balance!

This May I also ran my first 5km race-- the slowest 5km EVER-- however it was a trail run and I had only been training on the road-- and apparently a trail run can add 10 minutes or so to you time!!  Anyway, it gives me room to improve.

So lets get to the numbers

My Stats---
Age: 28
Height: 5'7"
Weight as of August 14, 2012----> 270lbs  

Current Stats
Age 29
Height: 5'7"
Weight as of August 23, 2013 ---> 239lbs

So that means I have lost .... 31 lbs in just over a year-- I am NOT going to let these numbers get me down-- it means I have lost 0.6lbs a week for the last year-- better than gaining that much- I have also gained muscle in that time and have lost several pant sized-- my energy is amazing and I do NOT regret my decision to get a lap-band at all!

That being said I want to continue to improve my health and feel stronger (and hopefully go down a few clothing sized as well!)

SO beware-- I plan on using this blog to track my activity and what I eat-- :o)

Day 5 Post Op: Out for dinner with friends...

All day today I was changing my mind about going out with friends-- yes-- no--yes-no...

I had a rough night last night -- -gas pains-- - and I just wasn't sure I wanted to have to worry about going out for dinner and what to eat at said dinner.  I am 5 days Post op- so I am still in the  Full-Fluid stage of my post op diet.... 

Finally a half an hour before we were planning on going I set my mind to it-- I got this band so that I can change my lifestyle and change my outlook, change it so that my weight is not something that keeps me from being social and doing things I enjoy. The last thing I want is to start using my band as the excuse not to so things!  So instead of not going-   I had half a yogurt drink before I left-- and took one to go- just in case---  

We had planned on going to the pumpkin patch and corn maze-- but we got rained out- instead we went to Boston Pizza for dinner---  I ended up ordering the soup, chicken noodle (boo) and a smoothie-- and it was just fine!    No one made a fuss-- no one cared that all I ate was soup and a smoothie (and half of both I must note)  Man I would have loved to have a bite of the garlic bread-- but I dared not to!!  

It was so great getting out to socialize with friends-- it was just what I needed!  

My port incision is aching a bit- first time I have worn jeans since my surgery- Ouch!!  But it was worth it!

Anyway- feeling better tonight-- the walking I did today I am sure will help keep the gas monsters away tonight!! (fingers crossed!)


Hope everyone out there had a great Wednesday--   :o)

Till next time!

Happy Thanksgiving Sunday!

Happy Thanksgiving To everyone in Canada!

It is a beautiful sunny fall day here- I am on my third day post-op and (knock on wood) I am feeling pretty good.  Last night I was bothered by a bit of gas pain, but some Gas X and my wonderful heating pad took care of that!    

I am hanging out at my parents place at the moment- until tomorrow morning ( I haven't been feeling up to driving yet) and I am spacing my pain meds out a little too- I was taking them every 4 hours but I am down to about every 5 and a half and I am feeling better (less groggy!)  

No turkey dinner here for me-- not that I would even want to eat it if I could- don't feel hungry at all , but I am forcing myself to drink my water and my thin yogurt and protein shakes-- might try some carrot soup for dinner...

I had a few moments last night and this morning when I though- what have I done to myself?!  But now that I am not taking as much pain meds I am feeling a lot more myself!

I keep finding myself thinking I go back to work on Tuesday-- but I have taken a week off and don't go back until the October 15th-   Feels so weird not heading back to work-- that tells you that I needed a vacation!! (not that this is really a vacation!! haha!)

I keep finding myself looking at clothing websites and dreaming of all the normal size clothing I will be able to fit into!  :o)

Well I am off to sip some more water-- and some soup too.